208/ Light Therapy 3

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Light and airy is what we think you meant…

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207/ Light Therapy 2

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Come on, just focus on the light at the other end of the tunnel. That should work for you!

VIDEO: Maar het is toch je verjaardag

“But it is still your birthday!”, said the sun

It’s so nice when the muse brings me an unexpected (Dutch) song. I had some words in my head that I possibly wanted to use in a birthday card and then it evolved into a long poem and when that was done I thought I could try create a melody with it. So here it is. Written and recorded the 5th of September 2018, the sun was never before heard with such a cute, cozy and elderly voice.

Video images comes from a small film called Garden Wise from the Prelinger Archive, these images belong to the public domain and can be used for the making of new videos. The Prelinger Archive is a collection of about 60.000 short films, named after the administrator Rick Prelinger:  https://archive.org/details/prelinger

 

Dutch lyrics:

Er was een tuin met heel veel struiken, mooie vlinders en een boom.

En in het midden stond een prachtige bloem. En de bloem zei:

Schijn maar niet zo hard en niet zo fel op mijn gezicht

Want ik voel me niet zo lekker en dan gaan mijn blaadjes dicht

En dan schuil ik in de schaduw, liefst met niemand om me heen

En dan denk ik dat het beter is, helemaal alleen

“Maar het is toch je verjaardag!” riep de zon toen met een lach

“Ja! Dan wil ik vieren dat ik je ken omdat ik naast je lopen mag”

Ok, zei de bloem voorzichtig… Ja dat klinkt toch best wel goed

Jij kan me steeds weer overtuigen zonnetje, ja, jij weet hoe dat moet

En toen vierden ze een feestje, met een hele mooie wijn

En vierden ze met vrienden, dat ze elkaars vrienden mochten zijn

200/ Doctor?

I’ve written a bit about my experience, the text is below the image…

  • IBS = Irritable bowel syndrome
  • EMDR = Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing
  • M&M’s = Mars & Murrie’s

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It’s hard for me to go to the doctor and I tend to leave it until it’s a bit too late. When I was a child my father never believed me when I said I felt ill. And for instance because I had flushed my vomit away he didn’t believe I had been sick in the toilet and made me cycle 18 kilometers to school where they would send me back again because I was in fact ill. Because of this sort of thing happening in my youth, I have trouble going to the doctor on time and a lot of the time doctors rather want to pick up on things that have something to do with my mental state and/or me being overweight, instead of focusing on the physical problem I have. So that causes me again to have a lot of fear around going to the doctor. It is a little bit better when it’s my own doctor that knows me through and through but it still is challenging. I am sure some readers will know what I’m talking about and it saddens me to know that so many experience being pigeonholed because of their weight and/or mental illness. We still deserve to be taken seriously by health professionals.

So this doctor in the hospital preferred to focus on my eating behavior and it seemed like she wasn’t up to date with the facts of an eating disorder or binge eating. It’s not something that can be fixed overnight and to give me advice, to eat just one sandwich and then one ice cream, in the middle of the night, whilst I came to her because I was in so much pain was plain silly. In the end she prescribed me something to temporarily protect my stomach from the acid and something to make my poop want to come out a bit better. She didn’t offer advice on pain medication and because I was so in shock over her answers about food and so in pain I forgot to ask about it. This was two days ago.

Today I almost fainted in a shop and felt so horrible that I asked for an emergency appointment at my doctor’s office, even though my own doctor wasn’t available. So I got the advice from another doctor saying I can take paracetamol for my back- and stomach aches alongside the other medicine they prescribed me.
I have had a burning stomach and intestines for the past 2 months and I kept putting it off to see a doctor. In two days time I will finally see my own doctor and I really want her to arrange for me to see a specialist and get properly examined. I hope I will better soon. ♥

Fat babe

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Here’s two photos of me jumping into the air after cooling off at the waterside with two of my dearest friends. The weather has been extremely warm here in the Netherlands; about 85 degrees Fahrenheit or 30 Celsius. It’s not what we’re used to here and afterwards I posted these photos on my Instagram with a note: “Just before this day ends I want to add words and these two darling photos of me. I am so happy with the dear people that I have around me. ♡ I can totally be myself with you; with my head that is sometimes consumed with dark thoughts and traumas from the past and with my body that sometimes hurts and changes its appearance over time. Today I felt no pain but only holiday vibes with you. Thank you, you know who you are ♡”

I received some replies about the usage of the hashtag #fatbabe and #bodypositivity. I also used the hashtags #fibromyalgia and #redhead but no-one is bothered when I use those. There are people who really don’t like the word FAT. A guy commented I wasn’t fat but curvy, I guess he knows better than my doctor right? I am Class II obese and I have plenty of fat. Someone else stated that if I was to post something about body positivity then it shouldn’t just be about fat. Well, to me body positivity is all about feeling peace with your body and your being. Embracing yourself as you are and if someone wants to change something about themselves, they should feel free to do so for whatever reason. If someone wants to stay just as they are that is cool too. It is their body, their rules and it’s nobody else’s business. Body positivity is all inclusive; it is here for all genders and non gender folks of all ages. It is for the thin, fat, black, white, mentally ill, handicapped, strong, weak, tall and small people; it’s for everybody! So I happen to have fat, I suffer from fibromyalgia and I have red hair. Therefore these are the things I draw, write and sing about. I have come such a long way, through child abuse, neglect and negative brainwashing in my teens and I just speak about what I know, me, nothing more and nothing less.

Social media is a bit like everyone has their own little garden. Anybody can have a peek in the gardens and they can like and even comment on the contents of each garden. So I have roses in my garden but I find them so cool that I gave them a new name: fat babes. Someone walking past my garden will see the nice roses and then maybe frown when reading the new name tag I added. “That is not the original name! It shouldn’t be called fat because roses aren’t fat, roses are beautiful! And it shouldn’t be called babes because they are flowers! Etc…” Well… remember, it is my garden. And I can do anything I choose to in my garden. Feel free to look at it, smell the flowers or feel free to lift your nose up in disgust and walk on by. Do all that. You don’t have to visit my garden if you don’t like it. And also, you don’t have to piss on my garden just because you dislike it. So my social media pages and websites are open to anybody who is interested but I don’t exist in this online realm to facilitate a discussion forum. My online presence did not spring into life just so people could start a rant. In my online space I stand on guard in order for it to remain a positive place for myself and others who visit and who know the direction I’m going with this.

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Everybody is on their own path in life with their own struggles, even if they are invisible, and each and everyone of us deserves respect. I am just me, myself and I; singing, writing, drawing and creating. I share what I create, no matter what: it’s my art. When you visit my pages or website please enjoy and like it and if you don’t enjoy then move along. My flowers with special names cannot flourish when being peed on, they have had enough shit through the years and they can only flourish with positivity and an open heart. ♥ And I have plenty of space for the latter.

Have a bright day!