223/ I love cats

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All my life I have felt immense love for cats, like I want to worship them. Whenever I meet a cat in the street I always say hi and a lot of the time they say hi back and/or they come to me for a quick cuddle. As a child I loved making drawings of cats and as a teenager I had posters on my walls of cats, exercise books with cats on the covers and so on. I really cherish these creatures. Want to know why? Head on over to this blogpost ♥

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222/ Kittens

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*WARNING* Might be a trigger /animal abuse/child abuse*

I love cats. I share my house with a 11 year old cat and we absolutely adore each other. It has been healing to have seen him grow up from a tiny kitten into a strong grown-up cat. Still this couldn’t fix my trauma I have related to kittens. Whenever I saw kittens in the past it would trigger nausea, make me feel like I was choking and cause immense feelings of guilt.

Those 1 day old kittens and that brick wall. As a child I lived with my brother, mother and her new partner, I’ll call him Joe for now. Our cat kept getting pregnant and it was always such a joy. Whenever she had given birth to another litter I was asked to create a big drawing of cats with letters that said “Little kittens, free to pick up”. We would put the drawing up in the window and people would come around to have a look. After we’d taken care of them for 8 weeks each kitten would always find a new, loving home and it was just a beautiful experience for me. I just adored those little babies.

I can’t remember exactly what age I was but in that period between my 6th and 12th year Joe and I didn’t really get along naturally. He made me feel like I was never enough and every time I started developing more into the person I was at the core he smashed my confidence and put me down. It wasn’t a healthy environment to grow up in. (I finally ran away from home at age 12.)

Joe chose not to sterilize the cat which seems a bit lazy to me now, looking back at it. How hard can it be? At some point Joe must have gotten annoyed with the cat getting all these kittens all the time and he had another plan. No need for me to make a drawing or let anyone know that we had kittens again.
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As is common with traumas the description that follows feels to me like a dream, like I was standing in a mist as the scene evolved. I am not sure what age I was but I would guess somewhere around 8 or 9 y/o. Joe carried the litter of kittens outside and I followed him to the back of our garage. I didn’t have a father figure and badly wanted him to like me, to be proud of me. I had also toughened myself up as a coping mechanism by that time and when I saw things that hurt me I would force myself to be strong and keep looking. Maybe I asked what he was doing. Maybe he answered that he was getting rid of the kittens. I don’t know.

The kittens were meowing with their high shrill voices, calling out for their mum who was still inside the house. I stood nailed to the ground as Joe threw each kitten against the brick garage wall. I tried to look casual, to not show my fear and to be strong but inside I was frozen and in shock. He threw the kittens with force but not all were dead instantly. He would pick up the ones that were still alive and threw them again until the meowing stopped altogether. I stood and watched. He let me stand there and watch. To me, in that moment, it was as much child abuse as animal abuse. 

I don’t recall exactly, as it gets even more vague in my memory from that point on, but then there is me picking up a dead kitten and throwing it against the wall as well. I don’t know why I did that. I was already broken at such a young age and I think I wanted Joe’s approval or to show him I could be tough and maybe then he would like me.

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It is a sad, sad tale and it happened. I could choose not to talk about it but it is still there. The guilt I have felt since then, towards all cats and animals in general, is very heavy on my shoulders. I am very aware of what we are all doing to our animals, bossing them around, using, caging, killing and eating them. I have a heightened awareness about the extreme suffering they go through and still I eat meat. This dualistic viewpoint tears me apart as I know I am hypocrite. Whenever I am confronted with stories, images or sounds of animals being tortured, slaughtered or animals who have survived an ordeal like this it is a massive trigger for me, and there’s a chance it would bring me straight back to my own trauma. In the past there was one occasion where I’ve had to be seen by an emergency psychiatrist as I was unable to get out of this trauma loop inside my head after I heard sounds of animal abuse on a radio show. Of course it also reminds me harshly of the fact that I am a victim of child abuse and all of this rolled into one sometimes makes the world feel like a very unsafe place for kind fragile creatures.

Recently I have started EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and the scenario above is one of the traumas that I am working on. The therapy works well for me, even if it can’t take away the memory or suddenly turn it into a happy view but the feelings of guilt have lessened and I am now more aware of the fact that I was only a child. A young child that should have been protected from seeing what I saw. Someone should have cared enough for me to make sure I wasn’t around when Joe decided he spend the afternoon killing kittens. I created this drawing in order to deal with what happened even more. It was hard drawing dead kittens as it makes it more visible. But it helps my brain to be kinder to the child that I was then. Cause that is all I was: a child.

All my life I have felt immense love for cats, like I want to worship them. Like I had to ‘apologize’ to every cat I came across. Whenever I meet a cat in the street I always say hi and a lot of the time they say hi back and/or they come to me for a quick cuddle. As a child I loved making drawings of cats and as a teenager I had posters on my walls of cats, exercise books with cats on the covers and so on. I really cherish these creatures. I’ve recently also painted a jeans blouse with a cat and its paws on it and only in the last EMDR session I realized how I’ve always surrounded myself with images of cats, honoring them in that way. I now cherish cats in the way that I should have been cherished as a child. All I can do now is learn to cherish and treasure myself even more. ♥

221/ Eh… NO

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Some theories claim us women should let the men hunt after us. If a man wants a woman he should come after her, wooing her, doing his best to capture her heart. So, as strong independent women, we shouldn’t pursue the man too much. We should wait, hang back, continue with our lives and hope for the best. That is kind of hard for a proactive and enthusiastic woman! But I have been experimenting with this ‘new’ technique. In reality it is an extremely old myth that takes us back to the romanticized image of a caveman dragging a woman by the hair. Here we imagine a powerful and decisive man and now that we have arrived in the year 2019 a lot of ladies want to try out this primal tactic.

Well, my experience after a couple of months is I am still very much single. Hanging back, waiting for the best has given me exactly the same results as when I pursued the man more. I’m starting to believe I’ve just not met many truly respectful or grown-up men and age didn’t even influence this. I’ve met young guys in the past from 26 years upwards and besides a couple of short monthly flings no long-term relationship followed. I thought maybe it was time for me to start dating according to my own age, 42, as that might deliver more serious dates. I have had a couple of dates with men my age and the times that I really liked someone and wanted to get to know them better he must have just not been that into me. Sure, after the first date they would app every now and again but it was almost like now, sending me an app was a chore; a chore they’d rather drop instantly.

But let me make it clear, I’m not a princes, high on my horse, needing protection from the realness that exists in a man’s heart. Maybe some women have ruined it for all the rest of us and men are afraid of just speaking their truth? If someone’s not that into me they can just let me know and I’ll thank them for a lovely date and wish them well.

In this case my great date was a very busy man, working too long hours, trying to meditate after that and spending every weekend with his four children. The date, for me, was really nice and at the end it seemed his cheeks were as red as mine from excitement. We didn’t kiss but stood there 15 minutes talking some more in the pouring rain before he got into his car and left. A week and a half later I was trying to get the app messages going again because he’d not been sending me much of anything. All the joy that seemed to be there before the date had disappeared afterwards. I let him know I’d really like to meet up with him again and he replied saying that he thought the date was really nice and he’d like to meet up again as well. I then put it on the table that I did notice he was very busy with everything else, too busy maybe? I just wanted an open conversation about it. Apparently he didn’t like my honest observation as he then ignored me and blocked me after that.

Any man who is unable or unwilling to look at their own life and have an open conversation about it with a possible date can’t be ready for a relationship. The fact that he was my age, a business owner and took care of four children didn’t suddenly make him more grown-up or respectful towards me. He could have just said ‘No thank you, goodbye’. No problem. But eh… no, he couldn’t say no.

 

220/ No no No no No

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I am baffled by the amount of men I have come across in my dating fairy tale so far that have been unable or unwilling to end communication in a respectful, grown-up and polite way. Let me first point out that I have been longing for a long-term loving relationship for a couple of years now. So my ‘goal’ so to speak is clear. I’m not looking for a one night stand or a friends with benefits situation. My dating attempts linger around that longing for real love, it was my main reason to keep my eye on the look out.

So, say for example you ‘met’ another person via a dating app and you have been talking with each other for two or three days and it has been pleasant. You even agreed to meet for a coffee and on the morning of the coffee date he cancels it. After I express that this has happened to me a couple of times and I get a little insecure about it, he replies saying he will be in touch to agree on a new date. Guess what, the day after he sends me a photo of himself off to work and I replied to it and after that he never contacted me again. So… OK if you changed your mind, OK if you met someone else you’d rather date, OK if you’re poorly and can’t make it, OK if you just don’t feel like talking anymore, but… just let someone know! Why not just let me know.

219/ Alien says No

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Are we all doing things and living life according to how we think the world expects us to live? Following the treaded path of school, work, relationships, children etc? Do most of us feel caught up in this matrix that we have all created? Do we feel pressured to follow the ‘rules’, all boxed in and lost? Do we feel stressed, burned out, depressed? Have we forgotten how to spend time with ourselves? Just me, myself and I, without screens, loud chatter and constant input.

I feel we’ve forgotten that we can step out of the box,at any time and listen to ourselves. Become ourselves more each day, it takes practice to find the one we once were. Who were we before we started to run on that gigantic treadmill, before we lost ourselves into this stressful oblivion. Don’t feel pressured into getting children when you feel you want to spend your lifetime on your own development, your broken heart, your lost soul.

Don’t have children if you just want to focus on your dog(s) and love them like they’re your babies. Don’t take that office job that doesn’t suit you if you want to get into a new education or want to travel. Don’t travel around the globe when all you want to do is spend month on your couch with Netflix because it’s what you need. Don’t start a diet and lose yourself in black and white calorie counting when all your body longs for is for you to love and cherish it. Don’t feel pressured to have a boy- or girlfriend if you just want to enjoy fucking around and be free. Don’t put on a dress if you feel like trousers. Don’t hide yourself if you feel you want to shine and don’t put a mask on, faking it till you make it when you really need to just cover your head with the duvet and stay in. Don’t do it if you don’t want to. If it gives you a nagging feeling, an unease and it weighs heavy each time you have to do it: STOP IT. Say No. Practice saying NO. You deserve to walk your own path, you don’t owe anybody anything ♥

218/ Debby

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All of us, souls in a body
Wanted to experience everything of life
Wanted the light and the dark
Wanted to give all the love

And I see your strength, your softness
I feel your mother's heart, your wishes
I am thankful that you are here
Kind, beautiful and unique human being

Elly Kellner

 

215/ Gallstones history 2

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Today is the day of eviction! I have spoken to many people who told me they feel so much better after this surgery. Away with the gallstones and gallbladder and finding a new balance towards health. Looking forward to feeling better after the healing is done ♥